When I was 13 my father moved me to Portland, Oregon from Hawaii. I was going into 8th grade and the promise of a new life was exciting having never lived anywhere except the small town of Kailua, Hawaii. My sister and I signed up for our classes and got dropped off for our first day of school. There’s nothing worse if you are a shy Asian girl than having a teacher call attention to you by telling the class that you are a new student and having you say something about where you are from state or your name. Both my sister and I were the first Asians in the school. I wanted to blend in, but I couldn’t. We were bullied and teased mercilessly for having almond eyes and dark skin. Emotionally I suffered so much from the bullying. I’m very sensitive. My sister and I banded together and started fighting. I didn’t like to fight, but I wasn’t going to roll over and take the abuse either. I’m sure the 4’ 5” ball of fury that I was terrified people.
What I remember most about those years is the effort we made to assimilate and fit in. We didn’t look like everyone else, but we made sure we had the Farrah Fawcett haircut and Jordache jeans. Conformity was key to surviving junior high and high school. I didn’t belong in any group. I wondered what it was like to have perfect teeth and a boyfriend like the most popular girl in school. I was in the “misfit” category. Looking back there were so many times I buried my beautiful self to blend in. It took me forever to allow my light to shine. It took me forever to be me.
If I could go back in time and whisper in my ear I would tell myself to stand in my power and have the courage to be me. I would hold a mirror up so my wounded teen self could see who she was on a soul level not a human level. As a soul I have always been complete. I have always been light. I have always been pure love, it’s the human aspect that had a tough time remembering. For years I beat myself up for not being enough, for not achieving what I thought I needed to achieve. How I wish I could turn back time and change the programming by turning the dial to the empowered setting from the victim setting.
Somehow, I found the courage to go deep. I started looking at insecurity, vulnerability, jealousy, worthiness and all those shadows and blind spots that didn’t want to be seen. I had to look at the EGO. I had to look at my fear programming and how it was showing up. I had to look at how I was coping with my life. It was kind of messy on the inside. I started dusting the cobwebs. I started tossing, sorting and organizing my internal dialogue. The process took years and it didn’t start until my 40’s. I started deleting mental and emotional files that weren’t serving me anymore and downloading programs in my mind that enhanced and upgraded my software so to speak. It was a spiritual shift that I didn’t realize at the time was a spiritual shift.
I recently went to a Hamman Spa day. I basically got slathered in some sea kelp and poached in a sauna for 10 minutes. Then I went into this shower room where an attendant literally scrubbed every part of my body sloughing off the dead skin. It felt like I was being sand papered but in a good way, then I was bathed, my hair washed and lathered in nice scented oils. I was then led to a dimly lit room and tucked into a comfy bed with plush blankets and served delicious tea. I liken my awakening to this experience. There was a sloughing off and scrubbing of my emotional and mental body. Everything that didn’t serve me had to go. It was painful but also wonderful at the same time. I gave myself permission to love myself. I gave myself permission to be kind to myself and to take my time. For the first time in forever I allowed myself to be me. If I could turn back time I would wrap my arms around me and say, “your life is going to be more beautiful than you can imagine, let your light shine and open your arms my sweet, the abundance and joy coming to you is far more than you can dream.”