It took a long time for me to figure out who I am. I spent most of my life being what I thought I should be instead of being my authentic self. Growing up in an Asian culture, achievement was what we strived for. My value and worth was very much tied to my performance and the quest for excellence was unquestionable. I had an intense desire to please the people around me even if it was at the expense of my inner truth and calling. I had no desire to be different. I wanted to blend in, draw as little attention to myself as possible in class. I wanted to be invisible and I was!
Something happens though when we spend a lifetime denying our inner truth and calling. Slowly over time there is an erosion of the self. Pieces of us are slowly chipped away as we remain in jobs or relationships that require us to be something other than who we are at our core, I mean who we really ARE. I gave away everything, my dreams, my ideas, my opinions, and in the end I almost lost my soul. I was so busy making sure everyone else’s needs were met, I completely neglected mine. I didn’t even know who I was anymore. Anything I did for myself came with guilt because I didn’t feel worthy of anything. I felt like I didn’t matter and as I put that energy out into the world, the circumstances that were reflected back reinforced that story.
Life has a way of presenting us with experiences that cause us to reflect and shift if we are willing to open our eyes and see. After decades of compromising myself to make sure everyone else was comfortable and not dealing with my own internal discomfort, the universe started gently nudging then shoving me hard when I ignored the first signs. It was the cosmic push whispering to me that it was time to step into my authentic power. It was as if I was wearing clothes that were two sizes too small all these years and the discomfort was just to great to ignore anymore. It was time to pull in all those pieces of myself I had scattered to the wind to become the person I was born to be.
This required the complete destruction of my old self. Life circumstances which I won’t go into here, brought me to my knees and it really felt like I was dying inside. It was a death of the old paradigms, programs, stories and false self I had been clutching to so tightly. It felt terrible, like the rug being pulled out from under my feet. It felt like my life was over but it was just beginning. This is what an awakening feels like. It’s like waking up from a deep slumber and not knowing what day or time it is. It’s disorienting and there’s a period where the fog has to clear. Shifts in my external life were aligning with shifts in my internal life. Major life moves were happening. Family dynamics were shifting. Physical relocations for my husband and I were happening, kids were going off to college and other kids moving back in. It was a period of change and there was a lot of uncertainty around whether I would emotionally survive it, but I did. It was like layers of myself were being peeled away leaving raw and exposed nerves. Unfortunately there was no guide book helping me navigate this time in my life. I was adrift without a compass.
I was going through my internal stuff and it was a process of tossing things out that no longer served me. Picture someone rifling through a rolodex of index cards really fast tossing things out that don’t belong. That was what the process looked like but it was internal. I was beginning to align with my authentic self in a way I had never allowed before. I stopped doing things that I didn’t feel good about. I stopped playing the game. I felt like I removed my game piece from the game board all together because I was observing all this bullshit and just didn’t want to be a part of it anymore. I don’t spend time and money being around relatives I don’t like, I don’t go to a party because I feel obligated to, I stopped carrying everyone else’s emotional baggage! I cut the ballast and set myself free! I got really good at discerning my emotional stuff and the crap that belongs to someone else. This created a lot of discord with the people around me. This created a lot of judgment because I no longer was willing to do what was expected of me if it meant compromising myself in anyway. My self worth was rising and I expected at the very least some respect. I had a very clear boundary around who would be allowed into my life. If you treat me with the dignity and the respect I deserve, you are welcome in my life, if you don’t, we aren’t going to have a relationship. This applied to everyone, my blood relatives included. It wasn’t a harsh exchange of words, I simply changed who I was on the inside and my energy and how I carried myself shifted. As I shifted the people around me shifted too. I am no longer in this game of pretending! Why do we all continue to buy into this bullshit? Interestingly, as my standards rose my relationships aligned.
Many things were lost in the process of self discovery, many were found. People I thought were friends were no longer friends, relatives I didn’t care for fell quietly away, I was free from the burden of obligation. I cleared and cut the ballast of deception and invited in alignment with my soul. I gained clarity around who I AM, what I am here to do, and my inner being powered up. I know I am here to be in service to humanity. Not service to a human, singular, but humanity plural. I walk beside people who are suffering in my coaching practice and align them with their authentic power. I raise the vibrational frequency through Marconics Energy work and as the vibration rises the universe echoes back that same frequency. Our external reality is the pure reflection of our energetic signature. It’s a Universal Law.
I mourned the loss of certain people, jobs, things as I was finding myself. It was a place of uncertainty. If I’m not this, than who am I? If I’m not in this job, who am I? If I’m losing friends and I’m completely alone, who am I? If I’m not perfect, who am I? So many questions without answers. I was in the void. I was in that uncomfortable place of knowing who I was not, but not yet knowing who I AM! Fear crept in. Am I doing the right thing? Am I crazy? Who do I think I am? Somewhere along the journey back to myself, I chose me. I chose me above all other relationships. I would not compromise myself anymore. I was going to speak my truth. I was going to do what I wanted to do, not what was expected of me. I was going to unapologetically become the person I was born to be, not the person someone else’s idea of who I needed to be. I fought an internal battle when I chose me because that meant disappointing people around me. I could no longer run with the herd and conform. My desire to be my authentic self was pulling so strong I couldn’t compromise myself another second.
All these years I had been hidden in plain sight. I played the game. I remained quiet. If I tried to express myself I was beaten down. If I didn’t do what someone else wanted me to do I felt guilty. I realize now, I allowed myself to remain disempowered. I will never go back to that place. I have unlocked the cage and set myself free. It took me about 8 years to step fully into my power. It took 6 of the 8 years for me to find my purpose and it was in front of me the entire time. My purpose was simple, it was to be who I was born to be. I am here to ease the suffering of the people around me, to elevate people, to be a beacon of light when all is lost and people are stumbling around in the dark. My purpose is to be the highest and best version of me, and by doing that I am in service to humanity. I am here to love and respect everyone regardless of their opinion of me. I have nothing to prove and no desire to convince anyone of anything. I am here to help people go through transitions in their lives. I am here to guide and assist humanity at a pivotal time. If you are looking for guidance finding yourself, schedule a session with me. I would love to walk beside you on the journey back to yourself.