There’s an entire world of people looking for something to satisfy them. It’s a relentless pursuit of things to fill a void inside. Work, shopping, sex, church, prayer, spiritual retreats, achievement, fame, fortune, all a collection of things and experiences sought to soothe the soul. It feels like satisfaction and completion are just one more “thing” away. All of it leaves you wanting for more. The desire to be whole, to be complete drives the pursuit of all these things, yet it all creates the compulsion to do more, achieve more, have more, and seek more. It’s a bottomless well and eternal quest.
I tried on all the identities I thought were me, admiring them each like fine suits of clothes. Each was laid out one at a time perfectly matched for me at different points in my life. I was the college graduate, the corporate woman, wife, corporate wife, mother, entrepreneur, a volunteer. I showed up in life with a smile and a great attitude. I’ve got this I thought. I can be this or that and do it well, and I did. There was something missing though that I couldn’t quite put my finger on. Some void I sought to fill with approval from other people, or income, or a new purse. It seemed that no matter how beautiful my life was, there was something eluding me, like that last piece of the puzzle I could never find.
I looked high and low for that missing piece. I tried different activities and careers. I morphed into all kinds of people looking for that final piece. If I was only a better cook, or wife, or brought in more money I thought, then I would feel complete. My marriage somehow survived, I survived the teen years by the grace of God. I planned and executed great vacations where just for a moment we could all just be ourselves and forget about the rest of it. I gave and I gave until I couldn’t give anymore, but then I would give just one ounce more. I was wounded many times by people I thought loved me, but I continued to love them anyway. Who was I becoming or maybe I should ask who was I losing as I searched for that final piece?
I lost myself at the expense of myself, only then did I realize I was looking in all the wrong places. The missing piece was me. It was myself I sought forever while looking everywhere else. Slowly I changed. I went deep within. I sat with myself like an old friend and went into a period of deep reflection. I was staring at myself for the first time in the mirror and learning to accept who I really am. I am not required to be the person everyone expects me to be. I am not here to make life more comfortable for the people around me. It is not my job to heal or fix anyone, my only job is to become whole and complete myself and allow the rest to follow.
I stared in the mirror and the woman looking back at me wasn’t broken. I didn’t require fixing. I had been looking at everything through the wrong lens. The thing that needed to change was my perspective. Everything and everyone had been a gift to me. The gifts wounded me deeply sometimes, the lessons eluded me, but in time I saw each one and accepted them all with grace instead of resistance. I surrendered. I AM who I AM. Claiming that truth came with the knowing that people would either align with my authentic self or fall away, and they did. I slowly healed the aspects of myself wounded from my past and learned patience and acceptance of what is. I surrendered to the process and took my time. I allowed everyone around me to be who they needed to be, it required so much work on my part and unconditional love to get to that place. I detached from all the outcomes.
Detachment meant I let go of my agendas. I released everyone around me. I no longer had expectations. I meet people where they are and allow them to be who they need to be. I lost the desire to fight, win, or convince anyone of anything. This level of surrender did not mean I was weak. In fact, quite the opposite happened. As I aligned with myself, I became fully empowered. My energy spoke for itself. I didn’t have to speak, I just had to be. I love and respect myself I speak my truth, I no longer play by the social rules. I refuse to play the game. I will unapologetically be me, always as an expression of love. This process took years. What I mean by refusing to play the game is, I no longer compromise aspects of myself to make others feel comfortable. If someone isn’t a vibrational match for me, I’m not going to force a friendship. If someone feels jealous or threatened by me, I won’t dim my light so they feel better about themselves. It’s their journey and their stuff to process around those feelings. I will also support someone’s success without feeling diminished myself.
I read a quote somewhere that said, “you can light the candle of another without diminishing your own”. That’s my mantra. Something happened when I started changing inside, I lightened my load. I released everything that didn’t serve me. I felt physically lighter. My energy shifted and I now show up for others without compromising aspects of myself. It felt like my light quotient grew and I was radiant and glowing. None of this was intentional, it was just a slow and steady process of following the synchronicities and messages I received (like intuition).
Over the past few years my personal growth has accelerated. One day quite accidentally I found that final puzzle piece and it locked perfectly in place. I no longer need anything outside of myself to make me feel worthy or complete because I AM. Nothing determines my value except me, no one can diminish me except me. Everything I sought I possessed all along, I had just forgotten who I was. Now, my life’s work is to help others find their light and their path. I know when they are ready, they will find me.