We are a society programmed like drones to think and behave a certain way. Individual thought and action not encouraged, and a sort of hive mind is subliminally planted in our psyche. People want to belong, fit in, and prove that they are successful by society standards. This creates a lot of pressure on us to look and act a certain way, to present ourselves and our families in a certain light. We read the long holiday letters detailing every fabulous achievement and accomplishment. Anything less than flattering is intentionally omitted or brushed quietly under the rug. No one mentions the breakdown of a family member or the year of struggles we’ve faced. It’s not for public consumption anyway, but this constant “image” that is projected makes us feel sort of less than if we’re experiencing “REAL LIFE” while others seem to be gliding through.
We do our best to run with the pack for a while until we get worn down by our perfectionist tendencies, relentless pursuit of excellence for our kids, controlling behavior and the need to be perceived as a success. These programs can be so deep that we aren’t even aware we are in this game. It’s a subconscious experience, kind of like the background programs that run on computers. What happens though over time is we start to lose a sense of who we are. We spend so much time on the charade we begin to believe we’re the character we’re trying to portray in the charade. We’ve lost our true authentic selves. I was in that game for about 43 years to be exact. One day I heard a booming voice in my head yelling “save yourself”! It was my higher aspect of self talking to me, which is basically a higher aspect of me (we all have one or many) that was tired of this ridiculous charade I had been playing for too long.
I was tired, I was angry, I was frustrated that no one in my household wanted to cooperate and get with my program. My program looked like striving, studying, excellence, which is the Asian way! My kids had other ideas which involved video gaming, lots of guitar playing and basically ignoring my demands to study for the SAT exam, finals, or anything else that might move the needle forward. I didn’t know any other way to be besides my perfectionist Asian programmed self, but I did know I wasn’t parenting effectively at all. I got into therapy. I’m very type A so I showed up for my first session with my neatly typed notes hoping we could just cut through the bullshit and solve all my problems in 5 sessions tops so I could move onto the more important business of launching my kids successfully off to college and beyond! I’m sure my therapist in her perfectly scripted hand wrote down “TIGER MOM PERFECTIONIST” on her notepad. She had her work cut out for her!
What I lost in those years was myself, my truth, and my dreams. I had a deeply broken heart and a lack of self love. When I look back and reflect on the woman that I was, I want to wrap her in a warm hug and tell her it’s going to be OK, you’ve just forgotten that you matter! I wonder how many people are lost in that charade, exhausted and tired of meeting everyone else’s expectations and agendas at their own expense. I kept thinking if I was thinner, or a better wife, or a better mom, or kept a cleaner house people would see me and love me and listen to me. None of it worked of course, but I kept trying to be something else, anything but myself. I had no personal dreams, I lived to serve others. I grocery shopped, cooked, drove kids, worked, took care of the dogs, the house, planned holidays and vacations and camping trips. It felt like the more I did the more was expected of me. On the rare occasion I would stand up for myself and say no, there would be some sort of blow out. I wondered if I even mattered.
Over time I slowly pulled myself together. I worked out hard, I read a lot of books which led to more books and the realization that I was on a spiritual journey back to my authentic self. I watched Super Soul Sunday and wondered what the meaning of life was. I started going deep and unwinding the tangle of emotions and thoughts and perceptions I had about myself. I finally had that AHA moment when I realized that life is really an inside job. It has nothing to do with how I present myself externally or the perception anyone has about me. This started a 10 year journey back to myself which I walked completely alone. I had no guide or mentor or guru, just me somehow finding my way forward. I grew more compassionate towards myself. I forgave myself and others for how they treated me, I understood everything was a gift, an opportunity for me to grow. I learned that there is always a higher perspective and a more elevated way to approach life. I changed from victim to empowered. Self-awareness was huge as well as detachment from agendas, codependent behaviors, and expectations of myself and others.
My story changed from why me to what is this here to teach me. I learned many lessons. I continued to expand my consciousness. I started to meditate and practice yoga. Where once I was always active and avoiding my inner being, I became more aligned and found stillness within. I found myself and in healing my inner wounds I discovered my purpose was to be in service, but not as a martyr, but as a whole and complete person. I lost my agendas and need to control anyone. I accept where everyone around me is on their journey. I detach completely with love. I had a powerful realization that everyone has a right to make our own choices in life even if I don’t agree with them. My only role is to show up as the highest and best person I can be with love, to step back and allow free will to play out. When I completely freed myself from the need to control anyone and released all my agendas, my suffering disappeared. The lens through which I viewed life changed and I saw the gifts and the lessons in everything.
My life has taught me humility, patience and grace. I’ve aligned with my soul in a way I never aligned before and continue my inner work. I am a healer and life coach and I share what I had learned on my journey to help others find their way home to their authentic selves. Check out my work at www.alinealifecoaching.com. Check out other conversations that will inspire you to be the best version of you on my YouTube Channel https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCCDX-BxYVubb2iHaxYUU9aQ
I started to come “online” as people do when they go through an awakening process. My psychic gifts and abilities grew. What this looked like for me is the ability to allow chaos to happen around me while remaining calm and collected. I don’t feel the emotional triggers I used to. I’m not reactive emotionally. Difficult life situations still present in my life, but I’m not taken down by drama. I just observe it as if I’m watching a show on TV.
Here are some key elements/tips to doing your inner work. First, it’s going to be emotionally wrenching. Dealing with our “stuff” means looking at our deepest darkest fears and insecurities. It’s completely owning who we are warts and all. Acknowledging our truth is huge. Tears will flow, you may want to go to bed, pull the covers over your head and not come out for a long time. This is called the shedding process. It might involve physical detoxing either by choice or illness. As we start releasing it’s not just emotional, it’s energetic and physical as well. It’s possible people around you are going to think you are depressed or crazy or both. Let them. They aren’t in the arena doing their work, so their opinion doesn’t matter! No matter how bad it gets, take care of yourself. Sleep, hydrate, work out, and keep getting up, you’ve got this! The biggest gift awaits you when you can heal your inner wounds and release your past and that gift is YOUR SOUL, YOUR GREATNESS, YOUR CONNECTION TO YOUR I AM POWER!