Becoming a mother at age 28 I had no idea what was in store for me. I loved working, but given our circumstances, staying home made sense for the first 4 and years of the boys’ lives. We did all the things, we drove to construction sites so they could watch all the trucks, had many early morning beach days in Hilo, ate shave ice at the best place just down the road from our house (being broke, the $1.00 price tag was one thing we could afford).
There were lots of walks on a long water pipe road which had natural waterfalls, wild pigs, and gorgeous tropical plants. We read books and spent days on the mounds of dirt and rock my husband was laying in the yard of the first home we built and owned. The kids had baby ATV’s which they rode from the age of 18 months. I question that parenting decision now, but they seemed to handle it fine, only one wipe out and no one was injured.
I was far from perfect, but I loved the boys and did my best and that’s enough. The insecurity in the parents around me triggered my own. My kids had so much talent but just weren’t interested in school, I worried about their futures, but everyone seemed to find their lane. Now that I’m on the other side of it, I wish I focused less on ticking things off the list and more on presence.
We had some health scares. Our youngest got Kawasaki’s disease which was terrifying. He got seizures and turned blue every time he had a fever. When he was 18 mos old we saw 10 days of 105 fevers and seizures. The fire department was at my home A LOT. We had to fly to Honolulu Children’s Hospital on Oahu immediately. So, I packed the baby and my 3-year-old up, my husband came home from work to get us and off we went. I thought we were going to lose him. People don’t talk about those hard moments, the ones where your child gets a disease or you lose them too soon.
No one prepares you for fatigue, worry, illnesses, and trips to ER. No one tells you about the fighting, these boys were adorable, but fought and made up and fought some more. Sometimes all three of us would be standing at the door crying when my husband came home from work. We were poor didn’t have the luxury of babysitters, and date nights. We had no family on the Island to support us, but we had a beautiful life.
We loved these boys so much. I taught them how to ride a bike. Maybe we were a little too relaxed, as my 4-year-old ran across the top of the monkey bars and of course fell and broke his arm. The 3-year-old didn’t quite know how to brake on his tricycle and literally rode it down a flight of stairs landing in a heap at the bottom. Some days you hit it out of the park as a parent and some days you fail. I was my harshest critic.
There were parent teacher conferences, school projects, field trips, and of course all the parents comparing their kids to mine, they were certain their kids were smarter, faster, better, which only reinforced my stress levels. We took beach camping trips, snowboarding trips, and visited Hawaii a lot after we moved to San Diego. I constantly felt like I was falling short, like I wasn’t churning out Asian perfection (yes, that’s a program and a thing). I had to do a lot of healing within myself to process that garbage and know everyone is born worthy, it’s not something you earn or achieve.
I knew that other parents gossiped about me and that was the hardest. I really endured a lot of judgment as the kids got into their teen years. All the moms didn’t want to believe that their kids had anything to do with smoking pot or drinking and it was somehow the influence of my kids. For the record, your kid was doing drive by deliveries (you know who you are)! I wish parents would just own the fact that kids experiment and aren’t the kid perfection you have convinced yourself they are.
One thing I did their entire lives is keep it real. I didn’t avoid the hard things and I owned the TRUTH about who was doing what and acted accordingly.
In retrospect, loving and allowing my boys to become who they are meant to be was the hardest thing. It meant letting go of all my Ego expectations, not intervening, observing, and holding space. Being present and feeding everyone (friends included), listening to them as they sat at my kitchen counter and talked to me after school was important. Making it to the sports events and matches and games and music concerts was important. It really didn’t matter if we ate organic or fast food, if they aced their SAT or took insane AP classes. What mattered was they were loved fully regardless of the circumstances we sometimes found ourselves in.
My journey as a mother taught me to love unconditionally, not only the kids, but myself. It showed me how to stand in my power and advocate for them. I consistently showed up even when they hated me, or got in trouble, or pushed back against the punishments. There was a lot of losing car privileges and detailing our cars. I couldn’t wait for them to go to college, then when they left the house was too quiet.
I had the highest highs and the lowest lows on my parenting journey. I’ve found that I’m incredibly resilient, that my heart keeps expanding and I truly see the Soul not the Human. The soul is the higher essence and source of the individual. If only everyone could see the Soul, there would be a lot less judgment and more kindness and compassion. There would be more unconditional love.
I encourage my family to live true to themselves. I love them for who they are, not what they achieve. Unconditional love is loving them in the good and hard times; it allows them to lean in and feel emotionally seen and safe. Being a good mom means never imposing an agenda but listening and being honest about my opinion (which often they ignore – LOL). I feed them, hug, and kiss them often. I tell them I love them every day even though they are 29 and 30.
Instead of wondering if I’m good enough, I just open my heart more and know it’s enough. I continue to pour love into them all. I’m a constant in their lives, but I let them come to me. We kind of take it one day around here and take things as they come. There were so many lessons for me offered through motherhood. My sons are beautiful souls and I’m honored I was chosen to be their mother.
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