I looked in the mirror the other day and saw my soul looking back at me. It wasn’t my human-self looking through my eyes, it was my higher soul-self seeing me. There was so much love there, which was felt deeply. To have come this far on the journey back to myself is remarkable given all the challenges I have overcome. There were so many times in my life where I abandoned myself and told myself I wasn’t good enough, I wasn’t worthy. When it came to negative thoughts about myself, I was a master, even though the picture I presented to the outside world was beautiful.
I wonder how many people can relate to the smile that hides the pain. We get so caught up in the obligations and the work and the responsibilities, slowly our reserves are drawn down and we start losing ourselves. It took many years to realize my entire human experience was a mirror reflecting to me the things I needed to heal; It showed me my deepest wounds but how many times would I have to be “shown” through experience to learn the lesson? It turns out my tolerance for pain was high because in my culture you mask up and show up, there are no other options. When you don’t do vulnerability and tip into people pleasing and perfectionist behaviors, well there’s a huge wall of resistance that has to come down.
What I’ve found is life is an incredible teacher. The breadcrumbs of hope and synchronicity I placed neatly in my path gently (sometimes violently) pulled me forward. When I started paying attention to my inner voice and knowing things accelerated. At first it seemed like chaos. I felt very alone in my life even though I was surrounded by friends. My suffering was deep as my family resisted all forms of discipline and control. I had so many fears around not being good enough as a mom, as a human being I wanted them to conform, to fit in boxes they don’t belong in, to show the world we were ticking boxes and thriving over here! This pervasive fear that I wasn’t good enough drove my behavior and the resistance of my kids and husband to get on board with my agenda was a constant mirror and reminder that they didn’t belong in my “box” or my agenda. They had their own path to travel. Situations escalated, there was a lot of fighting. I was fighting to be heard and seen, they were fighting to be themselves. It was a dance, and it wasn’t pretty.
This was my deeply unconscious phase of my life, the time where I knew things weren’t working, which is the tap and hard shove to shift, but I mistakenly wanted everyone around me to shift because surely I wasn’t the problem! Then, suddenly there was this come to Jesus with myself where I realized I WAS THE PROBLEM! I was so deep in my fear program of not being enough that I was making everyone crazy with my need to control things. The rebellion was real. My perceived failure as a parent and human being was a gift because the suffering was so deep, I finally decided to get therapy which was life changing. I was gifted such an awesome and patient therapist.
Read “Codependent No More” she said. There was an intuitive knowing that I couldn’t handle what I would find there. It took me 2 years to open the book and I’ll be damned if my entire self was spelled out in that book. Doing too much at my own expense (check), wanting to be liked and belong (check), unable to hold my own discomfort so controlling everything to make myself feel better (check). What a tough contract my husband, two sons and I signed up for as a soul family. We were mirroring and triggering each other constantly. Underneath it all was a deep and pure love, but we couldn’t seem to get out of our patterning. We kept showing up unconsciously from our wounds.
The wounds I refer to were patterns and beliefs we formed around ourselves created by our parents’ style of parenting, our culture, our religion, or lack of religion. All of it shaped us and we were all fighting to belong in the world, but ironically, the fight was really to learn to belong to ourselves. The true sense of belonging is to accept and love ourselves. That is the journey we all as human beings are on. As I cleared the programs and healed myself, it was like rubbing sleep out of my eyes. My vision and intuition became clear. Once I saw my behaviors like the fear of not being enough creating control I began to step back and allow everyone to fall or rise on their own. I literally energetically allowed the unfolding regardless of consequence and focused on my own path.
Many would interpret this as withdrawing love, but my love for everyone intensified. The greatest love we can offer is allowing people in our lives to become themselves without our agenda or habits of needing to “fix” things and make them better. I began to read energy in a way I couldn’t before. I feel like so many people are so deep in their fixing others and codependence they can’t see it. My behavior I know baffled some people around me. I recently had someone basically tell me I was abandoning my family because I suggested I was detached from their outcome. She didn’t understand that the greatest love is to allow people to be themselves, to see them, accept them, without my emotional state tied to their decisions. What a gift that is.
The mirrors and triggers came in waves. My marriage almost failing a few times and coming back together stronger was huge. My son dying and coming back in a motorcycle accident and all the emotions flushed up around that. All of it mirrored my need for even more surrender, the knowing I can’t control my son’s decisions to ride, be reckless, crash. We all learned so much from that gut wrenching time. That mirrored for me the need to be present, how to hold space for us all, to support and not fix. What is it all showing I asked myself? Where am I trying to control an outcome? What fears are being flushed to the surface for me to reckon with? There were so many rich lessons. I was deep within myself and allowed all these emotions to rise. I held them with compassion and grace for myself. I allowed myself to keep coming back to center, to ground myself, to be more of an observer rather than cycling down emotionally. I held the line and mastered myself. The lessons were learned.
I’ve noticed many people are being shown repeatedly the lessons they must learn but continue to make the same choices. They keep repeating the cycle with the same results, but everyone has their limit. Eventually the emotional suffering will be too great and a shift in mindset or circumstance will allow clarity. Patience is the key here. The Ego is a tough cookie, it doesn’t like to hand control over to the soul. I wrestled mine forever. There were so many blind spots and deeply humbling lessons, but I kept looking in the mirror and seeing me. Who am I? How can I become a better version of myself? Where do I need to surrender? The work was eternal. My ability to face myself and the stress tolerance for holding my emotions grew. I began to honor myself and my process instead of degrading myself with negative thoughts. An acceptance of all aspects of me was huge and I was able to get to reach that space by knowing that all my life experience got me here. There were no mistakes, they were all lessons to return me back to my Soul Self.
We are all here to learn and grow. Human life is about evolution and ascension, it’s about growth through any means we choose. Knowing this I can acknowledge the choices of others even if I don’t agree with them. They are experiencing their own triggers and mirrors through personal choice, and I am mirroring things for them as well. All is as it should be. With this knowing comes huge compassion for the journey of my fellow man. Some people choose an unconscious life their entire life. Some people choose addiction to be their whole life experience and that’s OK. They are learning something about themselves and when it’s time to transition, they will see the lessons. Sometimes the people we judge are here to show and teach us something and what a gift it is that they chose to play this role.
Today I looked in the mirror and saw a beautiful soul looking back at me with a level of love and compassion I have never experienced before. What a beautiful life I’ve created, what a difficult path I chose. The inner work I had to do to get here was like climbing the highest mountain. Everything was a spiritual lesson; every choice was an alignment either for me or against me. Now I choose me every time. I no longer play the game of smoke and mirrors; the seeking external approval is over. My reflection in the mirror is pure love for myself without the old distortions I used to see. My way forward is clear. I bow to no one and flow effortlessly on my path, I’m not here to prove something or “achieve” something. There is a very specific role I am here to play on the planet, and I will serve the mission with honor.
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