There’s a massive shift taking place in the world as we all find our footing. We have traveled through the journey of our lives for the most part fast asleep at the wheel. An auto pilot mindset moves us aimlessly towards various destinations. This works for a little while until an unexpected turn of events forces us to take notice. It could be the death of a loved one, a divorce, an abrupt job or career shift. It could be our family members just bringing us to our knees. This is the Universe saying, “pay attention”, there’s an aspect of yourself that needs healing. Many of us operate under the false assumption that we are supposed to meet the expectations of the people around us. Using this measurement metric, it’s common to feel like we’re falling short. Comparison, judgment, the negative tape running through our minds has convinced us we’re no good, we’ll never get “there” wherever there is. The combination of circumstance and judgment around where we are forces us to look at the choices we are making in life and adjusting accordingly.
The Universe has a way of pushing us harder and harder to take notice of our inner being. Sometimes we are so asleep and unconscious it takes an extreme event to show us what is important and how far we’ve drifted from our true soul alignment. We all have a deep inner knowing about what direction to go, but many of us choose to ignore it because it’s easier to continue to do what we do even if it no longer serves us. I wonder how many people are in relationships of convenience, how many people have traded their dreams for security? What happened to our youthful exuberance and excitement for life? How many people are making choices based on fear?
Fear is pervasive in our subconscious mind. Fear of judgment drives our behavior. Fear of losing a job when we are the sole provider for our family, fear of facing our truths about our deepest vulnerabilities and darkest secrets, keeps us running as if there is a loaded gun to our heads. We know when we are lying to ourselves. What if they find out the truth? What if I really am a loser? What if I am not worthy? The worthiness piece drives us to please people at our own expense. Our need for social acceptance influences our personal choices, the expectations we have for our kids, our spouses, and friends. Fear translates into control. If we can just “guide” or “fix” our loved ones we will soothe the deep unease and discomfort brewing inside of us. When I realized how often my fear of not being enough was spilling over into my parenting and how hard I was pushing my kids, I knew I had to heal myself and stop this nonsense. I could not love and support the people around me in a healthy way until I became whole and complete myself.
The journey back to myself required tremendous strength and courage. I can blame no one for anything in my life except myself. I unpacked everything in the dusty old trunk of my mind. The layers of emotional baggage I carried around for lifetimes started to rise to the surface. The more layers I pulled back, the more I released, allowed new levels of understanding myself. My consciousness expanded. The truth will set you free, but it’s also true that it will bring you to your knees first. As I pulled things out of that treasure trove of “emotional baggage” inside of me, one thing was apparent, I didn’t love myself. As a result, I made deliberate behavior choices that validated my story that I wasn’t enough. My negative feelings were then validated by the harsh judgment of people around me.
I engaged in a lifelong dance of resistance and raw emotion every time I had to interact with certain people. I realize now how perfectly we all played our roles for each other. The emotional triggers forced us to look within ourselves and find acceptance and love for ourselves so we could in turn unconditionally love the people around us. Instead, many years were lost to hurt feelings and insecurity. Wounds were reopened every time there was forced interaction. Patterns of behavior kept repeating until one day I decided to take the gloves off and show up with love. I stopped resisting. I refused to engage in the fight. I decided to love everyone anyway, regardless of their opinion and judgment of me. I completely removed myself from the energy of being less than, and showed up fully as my authentic self.
I realized that it is not my responsibility to explain or defend who I am as a person. I have a different perspective. I am a beautiful light being. I spent most of my life dimming my light to make others feel comfortable. In doing so, I betrayed my soul on many levels. My refusal to accept myself caused me to lose myself in the expectations of others. I drifted so far off course it took almost 10 years to come back to me. As I gathered those scattered pieces of me back together, something shifted. I no longer make excuses for who I am. My energy speaks volumes, my presence is all that is required. How I choose to respond to my life reflects my inner being. There are no longer excuses for who I am or a need to defend my thoughts and actions.
I have fully integrated my sovereign being, which means I answer to myself at the highest level. I am fully aligned energetically with my soul. Everything not aligned with me has fallen organically away. Friendships changed, the nature of my work changed, what I was willing to tolerate changed. When I found my true self and stood in my power, firm boundaries were put in place. I will not tolerate disrespect on any level. The people in my life are here because I allow them in my life, not because I feel an obligation. There is a mutual respect and healthy boundaries because to me everything relationship is an energetic exchange.
When people react emotionally, they are unable to regulate their inner dialogue. They draw others into their drama, their dysfunction and then validate the role they played in said drama. I refuse to participate in that. We are responsible for our behavior, our thoughts, our truth. It is up to us to walk through life with integrity and an open heart. I am not responsible for how people perceive me. I’m not here to convince anyone of my worth, in fact, their perception of me is a pure reflection of the perception of themselves.
Whatever is happening in life is a gift. The tragedy is a gift, it is peeling back layers of emotion and opening wounds for you to heal. Here’s a short video clip I did to offer some tools around suffering and life changes: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z17PaScWkYw
Find your voice, be kind to yourself, know that you are worthy of love, of success, of joy. The negative tape in your mind deceives you. Going deep within is a practice. Focus on the triggers instead of running from them. Everything is happening right on time and you have the tools and the answers around healing and releasing the very things holding you back in life.